"No more doubts... Recent events have made me see that I know now that I have made the right decision for me and my son. I know now that this journey we are on is the right one. Things happen, people change, that is how life works, right?
I will be the first to admit that I have changed. Becoming a parent is supposed to make one grow, mature, and become more RESPONSIBLE, so I thought. Unfortunately this change doesn't happen to everyone.
"You've changed" (as a negative) is something that I am tired of being accused of. "YES I HAVE CHANGED"... I have changed and I am proud of it. I am a mom, a proud mom, a proud autism mom. You bet your ass I've changed, AND I will continue to change, and learn, and evolve, and become a better mom.
Sooo the next time anyone cares to tell me "You've changed" in a negative way, can kiss my ass."
So tired of fighting...
I know, after everything that has transpired with Conor's father and I, that it it over. There is a lot of animostiy between us, I resent him for a lot of things, it has become clear he resents me for a lot of things as well. This ultimately effects our son. I do NOT want that.
Before Thanksgiving, I asked Conor's father to check into the insurance and see about counseling. Not necessarily a "marriage counselor" but someone who can help us to figure out this "co-parenting" thing and how to do this right. He had a weeks vacation coming up and had plenty of time to look into it. After his vacation, and before Christmas, I asked him what he found out. Said he never looked into it and that he would the next day when he went into work. Days went by.... Weeks went by and I STILL heard nothing. So, I asked him about it again this morning. He tells me he still has not looked into it. Then he asked why I was wanting him to do this....... REALLY? I asked over 6 weeks ago for him to look into this and he never did AND is just now asking why I think we need this - HHMMM Communication, that could be one reason.....
Anyway, he FINALLY, after 6 weeks and several times of asking him, he finally started to look into it and comes back pointing the finger at me and telling me that he can't do anything because he doesn't have the login or password to the insurance site. This is the FIRST TIME this has ever been mentioned. So within 15 minutes, I send him the login. He comes back with "it is not covered by insurance". So I told him that he needed to log back on and find a counselor, see how much it was going to cost, and WE would figure out how to make it work. His response was "No, you want it, you find one you figure how to pay for it I cant afford anymore sorry thats the way it is". Could not believe that was the response he gave me........ But then again, nothing should surprise me anymore. I responded and asked him "are you sure this is the stand you want to take"... No response.
During Conor's therapy, he then called me. he proceeded to continue to TRY argue with me about why we needed this, but I told him I was not going to argue with him. He still could not grasp what I was trying to tell him about WHY I feel we needed this counseling... So I explained to him why I feel it is important we get help in trying to figure out how to co-parent, living seperate lives, etc... He didn't agree with my reasoning. What I told him was we needed to try and find a way NOT to argue around Conor (in which over the phone he chose to argue about how we don't argue). I pointed out the resent me he has for me and that I have for him, and that I didn't want Conor to feel that tension. The tension that is clearly there when he gets picked up or dropped off at one house or another. How basically just how there needs to be clear communication, mainly from him, because he has ALWAYS had a hard time with communication, with everyone, not just me. He then also told me that I changed, ever since Conor was born, I changed and he basically didn't like who I became. I had Conor, I got what I wanted, and screw everyone else. // Hence the reason for my FB rant today (see above).
After I explained my reasons for feeling we BOTH needed this co-parenting counseling, he still didn't agree and continued to argue. I again, told him I was not going to argue, especially since I had Conor and Ashley, his therapist there listening. A few hours later, he called me again, and still with Conor and Ashley there and told me that if I were to find someone and find out how much it was going to cost, he would try and make it work. A little thinking before speaking would have prevented this entire fight.
I am sticking to my guns though. Whether he participates or not, I feel it is important and I am going to pursue it. Again, I am not going to sit here and say "I am the same person" because I am not. I have been through a lot of SHIT, with a lot of people and just as this quote says "Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were"... With that being said, it is time that I (and OTHERS) grow up, stop pointing fingers, accept responsibility, and move on with life. I for one, KNOW that I am sick and tired of looking backward, WISHING and HOPING that people would come around more, but.... It is time to look forward. I can't control, nor can I dwell on the fact that there are people who will choose to not to walk along side us. So be it... I will continue to do everything I can to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, a better auntie, a better friend and ultimately a better mom to my son (than I was to my daughter).
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