02/02/14 - No Regrets

When I was in my 20's, I had no desire to be a parent. At the time, I was coaching softball and had a team of girls in which I was looking out for, some of which I grew a close bond with as if I had daughters of my own already. It wasn't till I turned 30, when something clicked I decided that maybe I did want to have a baby of my own. For several years, my husband at the time, and I tried, without success to get pregnant. We went through a lot, and we were dealt with many heartaches. Finally we sought help from a fertility specialist who was finally able to make our dream come true. Getting that call, and hearing those words "congratulations you are pregnant" was one of the best days of my life, and was something I never thought I was going to hear again.

 I am not going to lie, the pregnancy was not fun. For many reasons, it was considered a "high risk" pregnancy and a little more care was needed to be taken than normal. The delivery was somewhat risky as well. It's not everyday you have a team of doctors and nurses standing by to whisk your baby away to a baby intensive care unit "just in case". Luckily, they were not needed and my beautiful baby boy was able to be placed in my arms. All was well, all was happy.

 

 

Fast forward two years. February 10, 2012 (almost 2 years ago) I hear the words "your son is 'at risk'  of autism". From that moment on, and for the past 2 years I have been fighting and advocating for my son to get the services and help he needs. I have been doing non-stop research. I have been making sure he has the best therapists possible. I have made sure he has the tools he needs. I have made sure he had seen the doctors he has needed to see. I have made sure he has had the evaluations he needed to have. I have rearranged my life for my son and sacrificed and given up things that I liked to do, to be available for you son. I have asked for help, when everyone who knows me, knows that asking for help is the hardest thing for me to do. I have done all this because I am Conor's mother. I have done all this because this is what mothers do, they make sacrifices and they do things for their children because they want to and sometimes because they need to.

Now, I do not regret, in any which way or form, any of my choices. The one regret I do have is listening to Conor's pediatrician at his 18month check up when I voiced my concerns about Conor's development and was told to wait till he turned 2 before exploring any possible reasons for his delay. It's been almost exactly 2 years to the day, and I still have no regrets and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing (except for waiting till he turned 2 to seek answers for his delay).

So, with that being said..... I will be damned if ANYONE is going to make me feel guilty for focusing on my child. It took 2 adults, who went through a lot of shit together, to create a miracle baby and it SHOULD HAVE taken those same two adults to fight for and advocate for him. I refused to be blamed for being a "responsible parent" and doing not only what I felt was right, but also what I know to be the only thing that could be done. But, for the sake of stopping an argument before it happened, yesterday I accepted responsibility and agreed that everything was my fault. I agreed that our marriage failed because of me. But you know what? Now that I have had time to think, time to process that accusation, the more I think about it, the more I believe that was wrong. Wrong, first of all to be blamed for ruining our marriage in the first place, and wrong second of all to not stand up for myself and for my actions, which again.....  I WILL NEVER REGRET. I will never regret doing what needed to be done, for my son. Someone needed to be the grown up. Someone needed to step up to the plate, rather than turn around walk back to the dugout and sit on the bench and pout.

I will never regret my actions. Those who can't accept my actions, or those who chose not to be a part of them, well..... that's on THEM. I will no longer be the scapegoat for others actions or lack thereof. No Regrets!